Friday, October 07, 2005

I Fling Poo

The title has nothing to do with anything. I just saw it on a bumper sticker (next to a drawing of a monkey) and the non-sequetor-ness of it made me laugh.

I’ve decided that bread is evil. It’s the only explanation I can come up with for my sudden spike in weight (165.5 last night) after several months of holding steady. I had soup in a bread bowl last night which must have been the problem.

I had soup and a sandwich on Wed. night too. Hmmm…so maybe it’s the soup. Damn treacherous soup.

It couldn’t have anything to do with the beer at midnight on Wed.

Or the toffee bars at work yesterday. Or the chocolate chip cookies on Tuesday.

Damn soup.

And here I was thinking I had struck a nice balance between abject complacency and rabid intensity re: the whole diet thing. Balance, yeah, THAT’S what I’m good at. I guess I forgot that “rejoining the effort” may actually require effort.

Looks like I’ll be spending the weekend flinging poo….and NOT eating.


Blogger Kim Ayres said...

You might be right about the bread - I did a quick bit of research and found an article that had this to say about the stuff:

Bread and Crime

- More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.

- Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.

- In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid,yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.

- More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.

- Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month!

- Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis.

- Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.

- Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.

- Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 80 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.

- Newborn babies can choke on bread.

- Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.

- Most bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.

1:37 PM  
Blogger Lord Lessismore said...

I think I just lost 2 pounds laughing at kim's comment so I should be set for the weekend. Thanks, Sir Man Boobs!

2:26 PM  
Blogger Kim Ayres said...

Glad to have raised a smile your Lordship

I have now added a link to your site as Lord Lessismore, my blog

-Sir Man Boobs

3:55 PM  
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Blogger Spider63 said...

Bread. More dangerous than anybody ever knew. The silent killer.

12:34 AM  

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